| emotional basketcase, that would be me |
[Jul. 17th, 2005|02:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
i am not over brian. i want nothing more to be but it just will not happen. last night i went and saw a girl from church in a water ski show. we then went to broadway pizza and ended up there until probably almost midnight or later. by the end it was just chris, ursala, brian and i. conversation flowed well and brian and i were fine. but as Chris so nicely informed me i am still "fond" of Brian...chris says my non-verbals give it away - the way i look at him, the smile i have on my face, the "twinkle" in my eye. i know it's the truth too but i feel like it negates how far i HAVE come in getting over him. i have chosen to stay at Wooddale indefinitely because i really am loving the community there but i am also obligating myself to continue my social contact with Brian to a degree.
Chris and I ended up talking until 2:30 a.m. afterwards, he was dropping me off at my car becuase we were in probably one of the worst neighborhoods in Minneapolis. He revealed to me (with my permission) what Brian had told him about why he broke up with me. It was all things I had heard at some point in our relationship but a couple of them were issues I thought were over with...they had to do with being in an interracial relationship. And that sucks big time. It hurts so much and it's not like I can ask Brian about it at this point, but it really really bothers me...he dated me for 1.5 years, and I know he found me attractive, and yet why are some people still unable to get past things like race? it was always he was worried about having biracial children...or living in a small town and how people would react. these are the questions and struggles i will probably forever know on this side of God's plan...it makes me want to scream and cry. and it makes me angry when i know that Brian has often been unable to understand why I'm so passionate about race and diversity, especially in the Christian church. HE is THE PRIMARY personal experience I have had that drives me to work on such issues. This past relationship has absolutely CEMENTED my commitment to raising my children, exposing them to people of all races, ethnicities, cultures... |
|
|
| Comments: |
*claps*
After growing up in many places where I was the minority I understand your passion. It sucks that Brian reacted that way to the racial issue. That just goes to show that no matter how long your relationship lasted, it wouldn't have gone that far because of his reservations. And really would you want to be with someone who had those type of thoughts in the back of his mind all of the time?
You're beautiful and wonderful, and you'll find the perfect guy...just wait and see.
I miss you, hopefully we can see each other before graduation *crosses fingers*.
*hugs*
-Katie | |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
dreamzaway's journal
